Tag: doubt and hope

Jesus and Stages of Grief

by Steve Harsh, posted in Aging to Sageing, Faith Development

As we made our way through the passion story of Holy Week this year it occurred to me that the Gospel accounts of Jesus’ last week are an interesting case study in the classic stages of grief proposed by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying.”

The stages do not occur in a linear order but ebb and flow like the phases of the moon, and we always need to remind ourselves that the Gospels are theological works, not historical biography; but given that, it strikes me that we can learn about the universal human experience of grief by studying what the Gospel writers tell us about the final days of Jesus’ earthly life.

Kubler-Ross’ stages include anger and depression which are often two sides of the same emotion – one expressed outwardly and the other turned in upon oneself. Because of that anger is easier to identify and that is true with Jesus also. The cleansing of the temple which is described in all four Gospels is one of the few times we ever see Jesus angry. He sometimes is verbally angry with the Scribes and Pharisees, but when he overturns tables and drives the money changers out of the temple with a whip that is the rare incident where Jesus is obviously and physically very angry.

Another scene which could be motivated by either anger or depression would be one of the “last words” from the cross where Jesus cries out, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” Hearing the tone of voice and seeing Jesus’ body language when he uttered these words might help us better understand his mental state at the time, but both Matthew 27 and Mark 15 describe his tone as “crying out with a loud voice,” and that is the best evidence we have.

Depression can certainly not be diagnosed from a few 3rd person accounts of Jesus’ actions, but the three incidents that come to mind when I think about that stage of grief are when Jesus weeps over the death of his friend Lazarus, when he weeps over Jerusalem and says, “Would that you, even you, had known on this day the things that make for peace! But now they are hidden from your eyes.  For the days will come upon you, when your enemies will set up a barricade around you and surround you and hem you in on every side and tear you down to the ground, you and your children within you. And they will not leave one stone upon another in you, because you did not know the time of your visitation.” (Luke 19:42-44). And perhaps in all four Gospels where Jesus refuses to answer any questions in his trials before Pilate, Herod, and the Chief Priests. Those incidents however I interpret more as a strong, silent resistance to the unjust power of oppression rather than depression or resignation.

The stage of grief that stymies me when it comes to Jesus is denial. If you readers have ideas about this one I would love to hear them, but for now I cannot think of examples of times where I see Jesus being in denial about his fate. He sets his face toward Jerusalem in spite of the protestations of his disciples. He stages a protest entrance into Jerusalem riding on a humble donkey, and he returns daily to teach and heal in Jerusalem that last week and to celebrate the Passover, all of which seem like acts of faithful determination and not ones of denial in any form.

The stage of bargaining seems to me to only appear in the Garden of Gethsemane when Jesus says, “If this cup can pass from me, please make it so,” but those words are immediately followed by “But not my will but yours be done,” which move us toward the final stage of acceptance.

It should come as no surprise that examples of acceptance are easier to find with Jesus. When Peter pulls out his sword to resist the soldiers in the garden Jesus sternly tells him to put it away. And then on the cross where it would require the greatest amount of acceptance and courage, at least 4 of the recorded “seven last words” reflect the confidence that only comes with acceptance of death as the final stage of human life.

Those four include Jesus commending his mother into the care of one of his disciples, assuring the repentant thief that he will be with Jesus in paradise that very day, commending his spirit into the hands of God, and finally saying “It is finished.” I suppose one could also make a case that forgiving his executioners is also an act of acceptance, but that amazing act of grace really defies categorization.

Grief is a very complicated emotional process, and the Kubler-Ross stages are one very helpful lens through which to understand it. I find it comforting to find connections between my own experiences of grief and those of the incarnate life of God in Jesus. For me sharing the human condition of these grief stages with Jesus affirms the reality of his humanity and also the hope for achieving some degree of acceptance of my own mortality that he exemplifies for us.

I welcome your comments and insights on any of the above.

Into Your Hands

by Steve Harsh, posted in Christian Discipleship, Lenten devotion, spiritual discipline

I am one of the narrators for our church’s Good Friday cantata, “The Shadow of the Cross.” At the conclusion of the cantata each narrator will share one of Jesus’ last words from the cross. My line is “Father, into your hands I commend my spirit.” This opportunity has forced me to think about how to interpret those words.

Were they uttered in exasperation? “I give up God. You’ll have to take it from here!” Or maybe just a plea for help? Another way of expressing a feeling of abandonment or defeat, even anger? Luke 23:46, the only Gospel that contains this particular phrase, prefaces the words with “Jesus cried out with a loud voice,” which might support that kind of interpretation.

But Psalm 31:5, a source Jesus could have drawn upon, says, “Into your hand I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God.” That context seems to support what feels right to me. I believe this phrase expresses a surrendering and acceptance of death in all its forms to a mysterious power that makes all things new. They are uttered in the sure and certain belief in resurrection.

For Luke that is all there is to say, and he adds: “Having said this, he breathed his last.” For Luke this is the last of Jesus’ last words. That’s a great exit line, but how do average folks like us truly believe and trust that mystery? As one feeling much too close to the daunting age of 80 that question has taken on more and more significance for me.

Delivering these important words from the cross reminds me of the characters in Nikos Kazantzakis’ novel, “The Greek Passion,” where people in a Greek village take on the various roles in the story of Christ’s passion and so identify with their characters that they become them. The man portraying Judas is driven out of town for his betrayal of Jesus, and the man portraying Jesus, offers himself as a sacrificial lamb, confessing to a murder he didn’t commit to save others from being executed.

Obviously my one liner is not nearly as intense, but it feels like it can still be powerful and transforming for me and maybe others if the Holy Spirit works through me. It is always a heavy responsibility to speak hope into darkness, and God knows things are plenty dark just now, even days before the solar eclipse passes through our state. 

Help me Holy One.  I believe; help my unbelief.

Darkness Will Not Prevail

by Steve Harsh, posted in Christian Discipleship, Faith and Politics, spiritual discipline

Black History Month and Lent

Black History month and Lent go well together. Jesus’ 40 days in the wilderness and our 40 days of Lent pale in comparison to 400 years of slavery and systemic racism, but the determination to not let the darkness prevail requires the same kind of faith.

Darkness and Balance

Darkness has taken on a new significance for me personally in recent years. I was diagnosed ten years ago with peripheral neuropathy which causes numbness in my feet and legs, meaning my sense of balance leaves a lot to be desired.

My physical therapist has taught me some things that help in coping with my impaired balance. There are basically two senses that send information to our brains that help us feel steady on our feet. One is the feel of our feet on what ever surface we are standing or walking upon. Neuropathy plays havoc with that input.

Secondly we get signals from our eyes about our surroundings that help orient us in space. For that sensory data to compute obviously requires our being able to see where we are and where we’re going, and that vision requires enough natural or artificial light to illuminate our path. Simply put it is much harder to maintain a sense of balance in the dark.

That explains why you will find nightlights in every room in our house and why I use a cane to steady myself when walking on uneven surfaces or in the dark. And yes, getting up to make my way to the bathroom in the middle of the night is still sometimes an adventure, even with motion sensor night lights and my cane. It is also why I am very grateful for the flashlight app on both my iPhone and my Apple Watch. I am almost never without at least a small source of light.

Cultural and Political Darkness

On a more macro level Lent 2024 feels really dark to me, even with the blessing of sunshine and above average temperatures here in Ohio. Technology has not invented an app that can brighten the dark night of the soul I feel when witnessing the suffering in Gaza and Ukraine. Natural disasters are still heartbreaking to watch, but I understand the science of how climate change is causing the devastation on the California coast. I cannot however wrap my mind around the evil of modern warfare or the hatred that inspires it.

I despair at the insecurity and depravity that justifies a Putin killing his political enemies or invading a neighboring country just because he can. And I weep over the ignorance about our history that blinds people to the threat of authoritarian leaders and the cult-like devotion to those who blatantly practice it.

Being the Light

When the darkness of sin and evil threatens to drown out the light, God has always called on those like Sojourner Truth to step up and refuse to let the darkness determine our life’s light. That quote reminded me that I am always inspired by the words of another black woman, Amanda Gorman, whose marvelous poem, “The Hill We Climb,” ends with these powerful words:

“When day comes, we step out of the shade aflame and unafraid. The new dawn blooms as we free it. For there is always light. If only we’re brave enough to see it. If only we’re brave enough to be it.”

Action Steps

A Lenten challenge might be to find what God wants each of us to actually do to be the light. It may be relating to family members or co-workers in a more caring way, or volunteering for some group that you’ve always meant to get involved in, getting involved in local politics, advocating for justice by writing letters to representatives, or supporting marginalized groups. There’s plenty of darkness to go around and every ray of light does make a difference.

Prayer

O God of eternal light, the darkness scares me. I know in my head the words from the Gospel of John that assure us the darkness will not overcome the Light of the World. But my heart is not so sure! Rather than just spout pious platitudes that fall flat on their face, please give me the courage to really feel your light in my soul and the guts to go out into the darkness and be it. Amen

Epiphany – Herod Lives

by Steve Harsh, posted in Faith and Politics, hope

“Then Herod secretly called for the magi and learned from them the exact time when the star had appeared. Then he sent them to Bethlehem, saying, “Go and search diligently for the child, and when you have found him, bring me word so that I may also go and pay him homage.” Matthew 2:7-8

I am embarrassed to admit this. It took me till the third anniversary of January 6 to realize that horrible event took place on Epiphany, the twelfth day of Christmas. So for the last 24 hours since that light went on in my head I’ve been trying to think of some way to make theological sense of that convergence of those two radically different events. I don’t believe in coincidences; so I knew there had to be a connection, but all I was coming up with was that the attack on the very core of our democracy was even worse because it happened on Epiphany.

There are just a handful of dates in my lifetime that burned such a mark on my psyche that I will always remember where I was when I first heard about them: the assassinations of JFK, MLK, and RFK; the explosion of the Challenger space shuttle; 9/11; the election of Donald Trump; and the insurrection against our government on January 6, 2021.

I was working my home office that day but had the TV on fearing there might be trouble around the certification of Joe Biden’s election as President. But even though I was worried there might be some kind of trouble at the Capitol that day I never in my wildest imagination expected what played out on my TV screen that awful afternoon. As I watched the badly outnumbered Capitol police be overrun by an angry mob that began scaling the walls of the Capitol building, smashing windows, and swarming into the halls of Congress I sat there in stunned silence. Feeling helpless I finally did the only thing I could think to do. I got on Facebook, and I still remember exactly what I said: “Whatever you are doing, stop and pray. Our democracy is under attack.”

During worship this morning at our church it finally dawned on me what the connection was between the insurrection and. Epiphany. After preaching about the light of the star that leads us to Jesus our pastor, Chris Rinker, went on to say that we also need to remember that there are always forces of darkness that try to snuff out the light. There are always Herods who are so insecure and so desperate to preserve their own power that they will do anything to put down any threat real or imagined to their fragile egos.

Of course there are. I remember as a young pastor many years ago preaching on Matthew’s story of the Magi and Herod, and the title of that sermon was “Be Sure You Follow the Right King.” There are always Herods and the person fulfilling that role on January 6, 2021 was none other than President Donald Trump. Just as Herod told the Magi to go find the Christ child so he could go worship him too, our 45th President urged his angry followers to march to the Capitol and stop his Vice President from fulfilling his Constitutional duty to certify the legitimate electoral colleges votes from the 2020 election.

Three long years later we are still dealing with the fallout from that awful day, and I must admit I am often very discouraged about that and what it means for the future of our nation. But here’s my takeaway from this Epiphany 2024 message from Matthew. I can’t say it any better than Maltbie Babcock said it in 1901 in his great hymn, “This is My Father’s World;” so I will just end here with the third verse of that hymn:

“This is my Father’s world:
O let me ne’er forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong,
God is the Ruler yet.
This is my Father’s world:
Why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King: let the heavens ring!
God reigns; let earth be glad!”

Advent I 2023: Hope

by Steve Harsh, posted in Advent, hope

Today is the first Sunday in the season of Advent.  It is a time of preparing our hearts to receive once more God’s promise of healing for our broken world.  Advent is a season of waiting and hoping for what is already but not yet.  It is a time of living in between – between promise and fulfillment, between hope for and receiving.  

This Advent it is harder than usual to be people of hope. The skies over the Holy Land are full of rockets and bombs instead of an angel chorus. We live between Christmas carols on the airways and horrific images of war on our news feeds.

But here, even in this time between hope and despair, we gather to reaffirm our faith in the eternal light that cannot be extinguished by any amount of human sin and suffering. As people of faith have done for hundreds of years we claim the gift of hope once more by lighting the first candle of Advent.

[Light Candle]

Please pray with me as I share this Advent prayer from Kate Bowler and Jessica Ritchie, from their book, “The Lives We Actually Have:”

“God, these are darkening days, with little hope in sight.

Help us in our fear and exhaustion. Anchor us in hope.  Bless us who cry out: ‘Oh God, why does the bad always seem to win?

When will good prevail?

We know you are good, but we see so little goodness.’

God, show us your heart, how you seek out the broken.

Lift us on your shoulders and carry us home—no matter how strong we think we are.

God, seek us out, and find us, we your tired people, and lead us out to where hope lies. where your kingdom will come and your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Fill us with your courage. Calm us with your love. Fortify us with your hope.”

We pray in the name of the One we Hope for who already walks with us every day. Amen

Northwest UMC, Columbus, Ohio, December 3, 2023

A Prayer for Peace in a World Gone Mad

by Steve Harsh, posted in prayer

Dear Holy One, my soul is weary from the weight of suffering and war hanging over the world since October 7.  My mind cannot comprehend the depth of the hate that drives people to inflict such cruelty on other humans.  The centuries-old hatred between Palestinians and Jews is so horrific it defies human understanding.  I want to offer even a tiny bit of wisdom or hope, but the well of inspiration is dry.  There simply seem to be no good solutions.  When our own members of Congress cannot overcome their differences to elect a leader what hope is there for peace in the Middle East?  Anger and hate veto any desire to make peace or even to limit the wrath of retribution to just one eye for an eye or one life for a life.  To turn the other cheek to the evil represented by Hamas or Putin is almost laughable at worst or hopelessly naïve at best.  We all live in glass houses and none dare cast stones because we are none of us without sin.  My own nation’s history of genocide and racism is a log in our eyes that disqualify us from passing judgment on anyone else. 

Human history is one horror saga after another full of wars, bloodshed, and tears.  Out of the depths we cry peace, peace, but there is no peace.  Widows in Ramah are still weeping for their children while it takes excruciating days to even open a gate to deliver food and water to starving masses in Gaza.  I want to turn my mind and eyes away from the atrocities, but my heart yearns to know the awful news, even though I feel hopeless to respond.  The ties of sisterhood and brotherhood that bind me to my siblings in Ukraine, Gaza, and Israel are too strong for me to just escape into apathy or hopelessness.  My prayer is that when we hit the bottom of our grief we will surrender to the reality that peace is beyond our human reach.  For it is only in surrender to our weakness that you can fill us with courage and strength for the living of these days.  Fill my weary spirit with your eternal peace and love, O Ground of all Being, and let me be a flicker of light in the darkness.    Amen

How Long, O God?

by Steve Harsh, posted in Christian Discipleship, Faith and Politics, Government Reform, gun violence, prayer

Oh My God, how can you stand the insanity of gun violence in this country. If you are truly omniscient and know everything then you already know about the headlines I just read detailing four separate mass shootings in four different states this weekend, and my wife told me about another that I haven’t even seen on my news feeds yet. That makes over 470 mass shootings in this country so far in less than 8 months of 2023!! That’s about two every day! It’s so common all this bloodshed doesn’t even make the news most of the time.

I know you want us to love our enemies, Lord, but I have to tell you I am having a hard time with the gun lobby folks who refuse to consider any common sense gun control legislation. They hide their greed behind the second amendment like it is some sacred edict when in fact it was produced over 200 years ago by frightened white men who feared their enslaved persons would rebel like their sisters and brothers did in Haiti a few years earlier.

Why can’t anyone see that we live in a totally different time when all the wrong people can easily get military style assault weapons. And yet we are hamstrung by a law adopted when guns were single shot muzzle loaders. And the only people who could change our antiquated laws are blinded by greed for the campaign contributions for which they have sold their souls. How can they not see the carnage their lust for power is causing?

Please, dear God, break through the denial and ignorance that are killing innocent people at parades, retail stores, and high school football games. Where can anyone go that is safe from an argument or road rage turning into a gun battle? What more can we do to raise this issue above the clamor of the political circus and the genuine tragedies of climate crisis everywhere?

Dear God, we know common sense gun laws work. They have worked here in the past, and they continue to work almost everywhere else in the world. How can we end America’s love affair with fire arms? Are we so frightened that we need deadly weapons to feel secure? If that’s the problem how can we create a just society where there is no need to feel threatened by others? I am in despair, Lord, that such a dream is even possible in our bitterly divided and broken country.

Scripture tells us that with you, Holy One, all things are possible. I want to believe that, God, I really do. Please raise up for us new leaders with the vision and courage to bind up our nation’s wounds and unite us in creating a culture of compassion where fear is no longer the driving force in our lives.

Please call and empower a new generation of visionary leaders who still believe that we can beat our AR-15’s into wind turbines, and turn our disagreements and fear into communities of collaboration. In the name of Jesus, the Prince of Peace, please, oh please hear our prayer. Amen.

Culture War Games While the Planet Burns

by Steve Harsh, posted in Faith and Politics, Government Reform

Sometimes things are so bad I just have to laugh to keep from completely losing my mind. This Monday night was one of those times. I watched way too much tv and internet news that day as I spent hours prepping and recovering from a colonoscopy. Fires, floods, scorching heat waves, mass shootings, and Putin’s madness are not the kind of news designed to improve my outlook on life after a less than chipper day.

But then came the icing on the cake from our local newscast at 10pm. With all the other problems threatening our very existence on this planet guess what critical legislation our beloved Republican Ohio legislature is spending their time and energy on? 50 of them are co-sponsors on a bill banning Drag Shows where children might be present! Our illegally gerrymandered legislature is a laughing stock, but they have outdone themselves this time.

I am not one who is likely to ever attend a drag show, but this proposed legislation, blatantly aimed at threatening the LGBTQ+ community, shows yet again how threatened so many people are about any hint of sexuality that is different or unfamiliar to them. I am frustrated but also feel empathy for those legislators and the constituents they are pandering to for votes. The world is going mad so fast that people are retreating into the armor of clinging to anything that even vaguely resembles a past that seemed stable and secure in comparison to all the frightening developments elsewhere in urban centers and around the world.

Most of our Ohio Republican legislatures come from small towns and counties where much of life still resembles a slower and simpler 20th century existence. I grew up in one of those rural counties and have served churches in two others; so I have some empathy for people who live and vote there. For the most part these people are still living with a worldview they learned in those conservative communities. Most have not been exposed to diversity in race, theology, sociology, or politics. The values they cherish have been handed down for generations and are reinforced by their political representatives and news outlets like Fox News.

People who look different, speak a different language, worship in different ways, and those who challenge even our most intimate sexual identities are a threat to a way of life that is changing at the speed of light. Politicians have learned to use the fear of change people are experiencing to manipulate them into voting for their conservative political reps and keeping them in power.

These frightened people are a minority in our country, a shrinking minority, which fans the flames of their fear, and unfortunately the right wing demagogues have outsmarted most of us by using antiquated systems of government, like gerrymandering and the Electoral College, to grab and hold power for their own benefit and especially for the benefit of their political donors.

Change is difficult, but the backlash to change we have been experiencing in this country ever since Barack Obama was elected President is truly frightening. At the heart of that backlash and the unshakeable support shown for a twice impeached and twice indicted former President I believe is the systemic racism upon which this country was founded 400 years ago. That fear of people of color is so strong that millions of people are willing to destroy our democracy over it.

We of course survived a bloody civil war over racism, but this attack from within the halls of Congress on our system of justice and our electoral procedures is far more insidious and dangerous. I write this dire post because I truly believe the next 16 months will determine the fate of American democracy. Our allies are amazed and frightened that a second Trump presidency is even a possibility. There is speculation that Putin will try to extend the war in Ukraine long enough to see his friend Trump elected and pull the rug out from under Ukraine and NATO.

Republicans like Kevin McCarthy who were sharply critical of Trump after the January 6th insurrection are now attacking the Department of Justice for investigating the traitors who staged that bloody attempted coup. Trump’s defenders are trying to convince the American people that what we all saw live on our televisions that day didn’t really happen. If that strategy works 2024 will become 1984 and the great American experiment will crash and burn like the wildfires caused in part by the deniers of climate change. If those climate change deniers regain control of our government the whole planet is toast. I am just praying that this summer of extreme weather will awaken enough voters to avert further damage to our planet and our democracy before it is too late.

From Worst to Best: Kindness of Strangers

by Steve Harsh, posted in Faith and Values, hope

We always share a good news story as part of our prayer time at Northwest UMC to remind us that amidst all the bad news in our broken world there are many acts of kindness being done every day that don’t make headlines. My wife and I recently returned from a two-week trip to Italy and Greece, and as soon as we returned I sent a message to our pastors that I had a personal good news story from our trip that I wanted to share with the congregation. This is that story.

Our trip was wonderful. Everything worked like clockwork. No delays. We were never terribly lost anywhere, and the weather was wonderful. We were in Athens, Greece the day before our return flight to the States. We spent the morning sightseeing and ate lunch at a quaint hole-in-the-wall seafood restaurant; and THEN came the low point of our whole trip – I realized when getting ready to pay for lunch that I had lost my wallet somewhere that morning. We thought it might have been on one of the hop-on-hop-off buses we rode that morning; so we called that company, and they said no one had turned it in, but we could call back later and check.

It took us 20 minutes or more of panic to figure out what to do next and find a place quiet enough that we could hear. I have trouble hearing so Diana did most of the phone talking. Before we started calling credit card companies I got a call from our hotel answered by Diana. I didn’t realize who had called and was confused about how our hotel got involved, but they said someone had found my wallet and called them. They gave us number for a man named Mario.

I was overwhelmed with relief. But we were not home free quite yet. When Diana called Mario she quickly found out he spoke not a word of English; so we could not communicate. Diana asked several people passing by on the street if they spoke Greek and none did – but one young man suggested going into a local market to see if some one there could help us. The first young woman we asked could not speak English, but she got her manager who took my phone and spoke with Mario. She said he would take the wallet to our hotel in about 20 minutes.

It was then I realized I had the hotel room key card in my billfold and that is how he knew to call them. We got a taxi to take us to our hotel, but it was now rush hour on Friday afternoon and traffic was terrible. It seemed to take us forever and when we did arrive, Mario had not arrived and my heart sank again. The report at the hotel was that Mario found the wallet in the national park near our hotel. I had sat on a low bench there and even though my pocket has a Velcro cover on it, the wallet must have fallen out.

Mario called my phone again just then, and someone at the hotel desk served as our interpreter this time, talked to him and said he was on his way. He showed up very soon with his whole family with him. He told a doorman at the hotel that the same thing had happened to them before. That was why they went out of their way to make sure we got my wallet back.

When he handed me the wallet my heart sank again. All of my cash was gone. Someone had gotten to the wallet before Mario, but the good news is all of my credit cards, insurance cards, driver’s license, etc. were all there. I lost about $80 in cash but was so relieved to have every thing else back I didn’t really care. I was going to offer Mario a reward but had no cash to do so. He didn’t seem to expect one. I was very very lucky these total strangers took all that time and trouble to find me and so grateful to all the people who helped us overcome the language barrier and connect us. What could have ruined our trip turned into a celebration of basic human kindness and goodness.

Diana and I did our best without being able to speak Greek to tell Mario, his wife and two daughters how grateful we were. In all the emotion of the moment I forgot to take a picture of Mario and his family, something I would love to have; but trust me, we will never forget those kind new friends we made in Greece.

Feeling Abandoned by God

by Steve Harsh, posted in Christian Discipleship

I have not posted anything for several weeks as my wife and I were preparing and taking a long trip to Italy and Greece. We have been home a few days now, and below is an email I wrote to a friend who is growing through a rough time.  I thought it might be useful to others in similar situations.

Dear beloved child of God, I want to share some thoughts about your concern that you feel abandoned by God.  First of all, we’ve all been there.  As Frederick Buechner, one of my favorite authors puts it, “Doubt is the ants in pants of faith.”  Like our physical muscles, our faith only grows stronger when it is stretched and tested.  I guess that’s the “no pain, no gain” school of theology.  The first thing that came to mind in my addled jet-lagged brain last night when I heard your concern was Jesus on the cross saying, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?”  We’ve all been there, including Jesus.  By the way, that is a direct quote of Psalm 22:1.  50 of the Psalms are Psalms of lament from people feeling the absence of God’s presence, and those feelings are so common we have a whole book of Lamentations in the Bible.

I know it’s not much comfort to say “misery loves company,” but I share all that to just say it’s all part of the normal human experience, no matter what the prosperity gospel or the toxic positivity proponents tell us.  And those periods of loneliness and doubt can seem to last forever.  Jesus was tempted in the wilderness 40 days.  Elijah hid on Mt. Horeb for 40 days when Jezebel was after him to kill him.  The Hebrews wandered around in the desert for 40 years before they got to the Promised Land.  The disciples hid out after the resurrection for 50 days before the Holy Spirit came to them.  All of those numbers are not exact dates: they just mean it was a damn long time.

One of my favorite Scriptures is in Isaiah 40 where God is assuring the Hebrews in Exile in Babylon that they will be set free.  The whole chapter is worth reading, but I find the closing verses very helpful when I’m feeling at the end of my rope:

“Have you not known? Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

The Creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not faint or grow weary;

his understanding is unsearchable.

He gives power to the faint,

and strengthens the powerless.

Even youths will faint and be weary,

and the young will fall exhausted;

but those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength,

they shall mount up with wings like eagles,

they shall run and not be weary,

they shall walk and not faint.”

“The song “On Eagles’ Wings” is a great source of inspiration from that scripture.  

Sorry if I got preachy, but I mean these words from my heart and hope they help.  And one final thought – don’t beat yourself up about what you have done in the past.  God understands despair and hopelessness and accepts and forgives all of our weaknesses.  We love you, God loves you, and you are never alone.